I really am...

I'm scared right now you guys. I mean, I'm truly afraid. I mean, my whole life, I knew what I wanted to do. I changed it, yeah, but I always knew what I wanted. Now? Now I just don't know. I don't want to be a teacher or a pychiatrist or psychologist or anything anymore. I don't feel like I'm good enough to be in any kind of theatre or acting career professionally. I've taken a look at some real writing and I feel so inferior. How can I seriously hope to be a professional at anything when I'm just not good at the things I have a passion for and I'm not passionate about anything I'm good at? What the hell is in store for me then? Working at Macy's behind a counter for the rest of my life? Making fucking ice cream? falling into a career after years af what will turn into pointless college and money? What can I do?

I lost control. I lost control of everything. EVERYTHING. I can't do anything anymore. What am I even good for anymore? I try to take control of things and it just flies right out of my hands. I can't keep anything for myself. Nothing's left. I don't know what to do. I'm scared and I'm tired no matter how much I sleep and I just want somehting to work out, just for a bit. I hate this. I hate the tears I can't control and I hate the blood I can't control and I hate the trip I can't control and I hate the money (or lack thereof) I can't control I hate the sleep I can't control and teh money I can't control and the whole FUCKING life that I CANNOT FUCKING CONTROL! I NEED SOMETHING. I NEED IT.

I'm lost. I'm lost and I'm scared and I don't know what's coming or where I'm going and I don't know if I can pass things into God's hands anymore because that's just one more thing that I've lost control of. I can't hand over the little bit I feel like I've got even when I really know I don't have it.

I want something. I want to make a choice and have it turn out. I want my hands to not shake and I want to give up this thing that I've got that hurts me that I can't control. I want to not cry at night. I want my roommate to care or notice, just fucking notice that there is something wrong with me. Seriously wrong. So, so wrong...

I want to be what I thought I was. I want to be half of what I thought I was.

I don't even know what I want anymore....

and after saying something like that it feels so pretentious to put these up after...

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